Texas Chainsaw (DVD Release)

Admitedly, I am a huge horror movie fan. I will pretty much watch any horror movie no matter how good or bad. Most of the new horror movies are pretty bad (but even bad horror movies are fun) but if you keep watching all the crap, sometimes you find a hidden gem (recently: V/H/S). This may be a bad start to this review. Texas Chainsaw is absolutely not a hidden horror gem. It does suffer from something a lot of modern day horror movies suffer from, however, and that is: Good Idea, Bad Execution. I felt the same way about last year's Cabin in the Woods which everyone in the world (except me!) loved.

Here is Texas Chainsaw's good idea: This movie is a sequel to the 1974 original and picks up mere moments after Sally escapes the cluthces of Leatherface and the crazy Sawyer family. If you ever wondered what happened after she escaped, well, she is hospitalized and starts telling her tale which leads a lynch mob to the front door of that creepy old house. Seconds before they arrive, the local sherrif has the family surrendering poor, slow Leatherface over to the police, but then the angry mob shows up and burns the house to the ground, killing (almost) everyone. Who survives? Well, since this is a sequel, Leatherface, of course, but also a baby who is stolen by one of the men and delivered to his wife, who, unable to have children, raises the baby as her own. Said baby grows up to be Heather (Alexandra Daddario) who suddenly learns of her ancestry when she receives an inheritance from a recently deceased grandmother she never knew she had. She and a group of friends travel to Texas and, obviously, murders via chainsaws and meat hooks ensue.

The fun part of Texas Chainsaw is that it actually took the time to develop this plot line that fills in so many gaps. It also features cameos by original cast members Gunnar Hansen (the original Leatherface) and Marilyn Burns (the original Sally who now plays Heather's grandmother). In the age of horror movies that can make money being about nothing whatsoever, it's nice to see a sequel pay homage to the original. But now for the bad news, or rather, the bad execution.

Texas Chainsaw is not good. It's absolutely dull and the only thing worse than being dull is being dull, stupid, cliched and all around generic. Texas Chainsaw is all of these things. It takes one of the greatest horror movie villains of all time and tries to turn him into this sort of anti-hero (but we, as a society, only like to root for the lovable bad guy with a heart of gold if he looks like Norman Reedus). It just doesn't work. None of it works, whatsoever. It's a lazy attempt at making an honest to goodness sequel to the BEST HORROR MOVIE EVER. This had to have been the first draft of the film because none of the ideas or plots or character development (ha!) is fleshed out or thought through or anything. Original Texas Chainsaw Massacre film maker Tobe Hooper is listed on this film as an executive producer and I almost feel like the basic idea was his. Maybe he turned it over to someone else who then proceeded to jot down a few notes and turn in a lazy film. This could have been a pretty good follow up to the original, but not with these lazy filmmakers and terrible actors.

And don't even get me started on the massive plot holes concerning what year it may or may not be. The original takes place in 1974 and Heather is a newborn baby. Flash forward, the actress is maybe 20 years old. She is living by herself and drinking alcohol pretty freely, so we'll give her the benefit of the doubt and say she's even 25. That would make the year this film takes place as 1999. Which is all well and fine... until a very new and very modern smart phone plays a huge factor in one particular long scene. Unless Heather and her friends are just baby faced 40 year olds, the very simple math just doesn't work out, much like the rest of this mess.

Grade: D+