Good Luck Chuck, Eastern Promises

Good Luck Chuck - When you say to yourself, "Wow. This movie is a waste of Jessica Alba's talent," you know there is something wrong in the world. Why, you ask? Well, Jessica Alba really has no talent unless looking hot is a talent. And it's very, very sad when even the tiny, little, itty bit of talent that she possesses is wasted in a movie that's so bad I can't even believe it was made. Some ideas are good and the execution is so bad that the movie becomes bad as well. This movie is just a bad idea. It's got bad execution, bad script, bad performances, bad EVERYTHING. The movie follows Charlie (Dane Cook - his character is only really called Chuck, like, twice during the whole movie) who gets hexed at a Spin the Bottle / Seven Minutes in Heaven party because he won't show his penis to the goth girl. The hex? Well, every girl that sleeps with him will find the man of her dreams right after dumping him. While Charlie's annoying best friend Stu (Dan Fogler - who may be the single most annoying / unfunny person in the history of cinema) thinks this hex is really a blessing, Charlie disagrees. Especially after he meets clumsy but cute Cam (Alba) at a wedding and falls for her instantly. Blah, blah, blah, stupid jokes, bad plot points and cliche writing ensue. I don't really think I laughed once during the entire movie. I think I would find a root canal funnier and more entertaining than this movie. It's almost torturous it's so bad (although not quite as bad as Captivity... because, really, that's just hard). This movie is literally one of the worst romantic comedies I have ever seen. It is neither romantic nor funny in any remote way. Jessica Alba plays a clumsy girl and it seems like every scene she is in is set up so that she can walk into something or trip over something or do something else stupid. And her acting? My lord. The only thing worse than her acting is Dane Cook's acting. Is his "acting career" over yet? News flash - Dane Cook is NOT funny. I don't hate the guy because he's a Boston Red Sox fan and I like anyone who likes the Sox but seriously - he's not funny. AND he's not a good actor either. The movie is very misogynistic but I won't even talk about that because even if I wasn't a feminist, I would still hate this movie. Do yourself a favor and see any movie other than this. Even if the movie is not a comedy, it will still surely be funnier than Good Luck Chuck.

Grade: F

Eastern Promises - Here's the thing about David Cronenberg: He's violent to the point of being too violent. There's a line where violence stops being realistic. Cronenberg is about thirteen steps past that line. And guess what? I love it! Here's the thing about Viggo Mortensen: He's the only man that I find uncontrollably sexy who I think is capable of mass murder. One minute you want to sleep with him and the next you think he might slit your throat. And guess what? I love it! And here's the thing about a Cronenberg / Mortensen collaboration: It's dangerous, unpredictable, violent, terrifying, witty, intelligent and just plain entertaining. A History of Violence made my Top 10 list last year and while I don't think Eastern Promises is quite that good, its still solid. The film follows Mortensen as Nikolai, a Russian driver to the Russian mafia living in London. He has a close relationship with Kirill (Vincent Cassel), the son of the head fo the Russian mafia. This leads him on an inside track to the mob. Meanwhile there's sweet mid-wife Anna (Naomi Watts) who is investigating the case of a dead fourteen year old girl who died giving birth and who has ties to the Russian mafia. There's a lot of unexpected heart and soul here which culminates with a lovely scene between Mortensen and Watts. There's a lot of humor and a lot of subtle acting which juxtaposes nicely with the slightly over the top violence. Viggo's performance is perfect and Oscar worthy (Will he get nominated? Probably not. The nude knife fight might be a bit much for some people... not for me though). The movie drags a bit at times but over all it's a good, solid film. And guess what? It's a million times funnier than Good Luck Chuck!

Grade: B-