Halloween, The Nanny Diaries, Summer Movie Wrap-Up, September Preview

Halloween - As far as I'm concerned, there are four perfect horror movies. I use the word 'horror' to mean both slashers and psychological horror films. Anyway, those four movies are (in no particular order): The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Rosemary's Baby, The Shining and, of course, Halloween. When I heard they were remaking Halloween, I was aprehensive at best. I mean, remake HALLOWEEN?!?! But then I heard that Rob Zombie was doing it. If I trust anyone to make a horror movie these days, it's Rob Zombie. After all, his films House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil Rejects are quite simply the best horror movies since the Scream trilogy. But, still, remake HALLOWEEN!?!?! I don't even think I was this upset about The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake. Anyway, I thought I would be terribly disappointed or terribly impressed. And I was right. First of all, let us discuss my number one pet peeve with modern horror movies (remakes and 'original' ideas (keep in mind I'm using the word original very, very loosely)). The villain does not have to be a 6'10", 300 pound NFL linebacker / pro-wrestler / Amazon warrior to be scary. The thing that makes Michael Myers and Leatherface and even Freddy and Jason scary is the fact that they are just plain crazy evil. It's not that they are super fast and super big and super scary. Now, what was so great about the original Halloween? Well, we are introduced to a little kid who, for no apparent reason, stabs his sister to death. We are given the impression that he's a normal kid from a normal family in a middle class suburban neighborhood. There is no motive, no warning, nothing. The kid just snaps. Nothing motivates this kid to kill. Michael Myers is pure evil. And it's terrifying. The kid never talks again. He spends fifteen years in a little cell, staring at walls, giving no sign of remorse or anger or hatred. He just sits and the only thing left inside him is the evil. (When he escapes, he goes after the only remaining member of his family. Why? We have no fricking idea. And it's terrifying.) While at the psychiatric ward, Michael meets Dr. Loomis, a man who spends his entire life trying to understand Michael. After years and years and years, he comes to the simple conclusion that there is nothing inside Michael but evil. This absolutley shatters his world. His ambition to help people and understand them and find humanity is destroyed. He becomes obssesed with Michael (and doesn't try to cash in by writing a fucking book). Anyway, few movies have captured the feelings of evil, fear, doubt, hopelessness and isolation so well. I don't think Rob Zombie understands any of this. People say: "Keep in mind, this isn't John Carpenter, it's Rob Zombie." I know. Believe me, I know. And I like Rob Zombie a lot (he's no John Carpenter, but who is really?). I knew the movie would be vulgar and violent and filled with sex and loud music and lots of blood and gore and everything else you associate with Rob Zombie. I was prepared for it. I just wasn't prepared to leave the theatre feeling so simply disappointed. Let's take one of the classic horror movies ever and just make a simple little story about an angst ridden kid from a white-trash family who has a stripper for a mother, an abusive and alcoholic stepfather and is bullied at school. Am I surprised that this kid would kill his sister (whole family, whatever)? Not at all. And it doesn't scare me in the least. Then there's the Loomis character. This is what I was most worried about. Who would play Dr. Loomis? No one can come close to the late, great Donald Pleasance. I love Malcolm McDowell and I think he does his best with what he has to work with here. The performance itself is very well done and he's trying to do his best to make Pleasance proud. It's not entirely his fault that his character was turned into a money hungry doctor who authors a book and uses the story of Michael as a cash-cow. Loomis never would have had sympathy for Michael. Their relationship was one of hatred and hopelessness. What I should have worried about more was the casting of Laurie Strode. If Jamie Lee Curtis ever meets Taylor Scout-Compton in a dark alley, I'm pretty sure she'll kick her scrawny little ass. Jamie Lee is the one and only scream queen. Scout-Compton's sorry excuse for acting involves squealing the entire time and turning Laurie into some immature, horny teenager. Laurie was innocent and sweet and you wanted her to make it out alive. I wish Michael would have killed this annoying version of Laurie. It's hard to believe a movie that involves so many cool people (McDowell, Bill Moseley, Danny Trejo, Sheri Moon Zombie, Brad Dourif, Halloween 4 and 5 alum Danielle Harris) could be so disappointing. There are a few interesting things about the movie (little eleven year old Michael murders a nurse with a fork). I also liked the idea that Michael was the main character and not Laurie. Still, by giving us a lame backstory and a 7 foot superhuman monster, this remake takes away all the frights, all the mystery, all the suspense. There's really nothing terrifying about this movie at all.
Grade: D

The Nanny Diaries - This movie is forgettable at best since I saw it two days ago and can barely remember what it's about. Still, it's cute at times (who knew I would like this movie slightly better than Halloween, seriously). Anyway, it stars the too-gorgeous-for-this-movie Scarlett Johansson as a recent college graduate who doesn't know what she wants to do with her life. Does she want to follow her dream and study anthropology or does she want to give into the beast and work in the corporate world? Well, she decides to put everything on hold and become a nanny for rich New York City upper East Side Family. Dad (Paul Giamatti) is a workaholic with a likelihood for pre-marital flings. Mom (Laura Linney) is too busy for her son Grayer. Not busy with work, busy with shopping and spas and planning benefits for kids who are not her own. I've heard the book is witty and provacative. I haven't read it but if that's true, then the movie is a watered down version. There's a sort of whimsical quality to the film (the flying red umbrella... seriously?) that just didn't work at all. If the film was a little more cutting and dark then it would have been a whole lot better. Meanwhile, Scarlet's Annie is in love with the Harvard Hottie (Chris Evans) upstairs but she can't date him because her employers don't approve of dating and she thinks he'd be slumming by dating her (seriously, Scarlett? Fuck you). Anyway, Annie really wants to quit the job but finds herself actually caring about the little brat so she sticks it out for a time for him. Blah, blah, blah. Boring? Yes. The movie was cute... but, from what I've heard about the book, I'm pretty sure that's not what they were going for. The movie can most accurately be described as a wasted opportunity. There's so much talent here. What went wrong? It's more Lifetime movie of the week than anything. And I'm sure I'll completely forget about it in a few weeks.
Grade: D+

Summer Movie Wrap Up (from Memorial Day to Labor Day, from best to worst...)
Bug - A
Superbad - A-
Sicko - B+
Live Free or Die Hard - B+
Hot Rod - B+
Hairspray - B
Evening - B
Stardust - B
Broken English - B-
No Reservations - B-
Hostel: Part II - B-
1408 - C+
Knocked Up - C+
Becoming Jane - C-
The Nanny Diaries - D+
A Mighty Heart - D+
Ocean's 13 - D+
Spiderman 3 - D+
Halloween - D
Transformers - D
Mr. Brooks - D
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer - D-
Evan Almighty - D-
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - F
Captivity - F

September Movie Preview
September 7 - I'm pretty excited to see 3:10 to Yuma. I know it's a Western and I hate Westerns but Ben Foster, Christian Bale and Peter Fonda can't do wrong, right? Well, that's debateable, I guess but it's getting solid reviews and so I'm pretty excited. I am not, however, excited for Shoot 'Em Up. Are Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti serious? It looks like the worst kind of action movie. Then there's The Brothers Solomon. You all know that I wish Will Arnett was my boyfriend. I'll see it and I don't really care if it's stupid. Finally there is The Hunting Party. It stars Richard Gere and Terrence Howard and it reminds me of this dream I had one time (except my dream wasn't really about a television crew in a war torn area).

September 14 - I am shaking in anticipation for Across the Universe. Sure it doesn't go wide until the 21st but this could be the best movie of the year. Or a huge mess. We'll see. Then there's In the Valley of Elah. Who suggested that Paul Haggis name his movie that? It sounds awful but is pretty Oscar baity. As the follow up to Crash, there will be a lot of eyes on this movie about trying to find out what really happened to a soldier who disappeared from Iraq. It stars Oscar winners Tommy Lee Jones, Susan Sarandon and Charlize Theron. Jodie Foster also tries to prove that she's not really a serious actress and is a kick-ass action star instead with the revenge flick The Brave One. Could be interesting, actually.

September 21 - My movie star boyfriend Sean Penn takes a detour into director town with a star studded cast (William Hurt and Catherine Keener... it was like this dream I had). The trailer looks great. With a stellar cast, how could it possibly disappoint? Then there's the Oscar hopeful Good Luck Chuck. Dane Cook and Jessica Alba are definitely on my short list. Resident Evil: Extinction may only be the third but it feels like the 30th. Sydney White stars Amanda Bynes so all the little girls will show up, for sure. The Jane Austen Book Club stars Hugh Dancy, so I'll show up, for sure. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford may be the coolest title for a movie ever and I may go just to see Casey Affleck kill Brad Pitt (it's like this dream I had...).

September 28 - The trailer for Feast of Love has been before pretty much every movie I've seen in the last two months. It looks... cute. That blonde haired boy may be my temporary movie star boyfriend (at least until James McAvoy makes his triumphant return to the screen in Atonement in December). The Kingdom stars a bunch of actors who annoy me but everyone else loves. I might pass. Lust, Caution opens in limited release. It is directed by Ang Lee and got an NC-17 rating. I won't pass.

September 29 - The Darjeeling Limited opens in New York City only. That means it won't come to Pennsylvania until, like, November. Dammit!