Drive Angry (DVD)

Okay, read closely because I'm not even making up this plot: Nicolas Cage plays John Milton, a man who dies and then escapes from hell in order to avenge his daughter's death. His daughter joined a cult and the evil cult leader, Jonah King (Billy Burke), killed her and then kidnapped her daughter (Nic's granddaughter) in order to sacrifice her so that he can unleash hell on Earth. Throw in Amber Heard as a pseudo badass waitress and William Fichtner giving the weirdest performance of all time as The Accountant, a.k.a. Death, I think, and you've got one hell of a bad, bad movie. Oh, and just for good measure, David Morse shows up as one of Milton's old buddies, proving that even the worst movies can attract talent for some strange reason.

As you may have guessed, I don't really have many (or any, really) good things to say about Drive Angry. It's one big car crash, really. Lots of car chases and gun fights and explosions. Like I said, Fichtner is the best thing about this movie and that's not necessarily because he's good. It's just that he's amusing in his strangeness. Heard is lucky she's hot because she's not such a great actress and doesn't really make a believable badass. Morse, who I think is one of the most underrated actors out there, is completely and utterly wasted and I don't even know why he would make a movie like this. Burke does his best at being a hammy, evil cult leader, looking all forlorn at the camera and trying to seem seductively mean. It doesn't work. And then there is Cage. I don't even know what to say about him anymore. There was a time when he was a damn good actor. Just watch Leaving Las Vegas and try to argue with me. But it's sort of like he is a huge joke now. The only good movie he's made in the last ten years (at least!) is The Bad Lieutenant and that's more because of Werner Herzog than him. He is just so over the top, even when he's being the obligatory "sinister killer of few words." He plays the same character over and over and it has become increasingly difficult to even watch him on screen.

Needless to say, Drive Angry is a terrible movie in every way, shape and form. It was a waste of an hour and a half and I wouldn't even recommend it to my worst enemy.

Grade: F