Drive Angry (DVD)

Okay, read closely because I'm not even making up this plot: Nicolas Cage plays John Milton, a man who dies and then escapes from hell in order to avenge his daughter's death. His daughter joined a cult and the evil cult leader, Jonah King (Billy Burke), killed her and then kidnapped her daughter (Nic's granddaughter) in order to sacrifice her so that he can unleash hell on Earth. Throw in Amber Heard as a pseudo badass waitress and William Fichtner giving the weirdest performance of all time as The Accountant, a.k.a. Death, I think, and you've got one hell of a bad, bad movie. Oh, and just for good measure, David Morse shows up as one of Milton's old buddies, proving that even the worst movies can attract talent for some strange reason.

As you may have guessed, I don't really have many (or any, really) good things to say about Drive Angry. It's one big car crash, really. Lots of car chases and gun fights and explosions. Like I said, Fichtner is the best thing about this movie and that's not necessarily because he's good. It's just that he's amusing in his strangeness. Heard is lucky she's hot because she's not such a great actress and doesn't really make a believable badass. Morse, who I think is one of the most underrated actors out there, is completely and utterly wasted and I don't even know why he would make a movie like this. Burke does his best at being a hammy, evil cult leader, looking all forlorn at the camera and trying to seem seductively mean. It doesn't work. And then there is Cage. I don't even know what to say about him anymore. There was a time when he was a damn good actor. Just watch Leaving Las Vegas and try to argue with me. But it's sort of like he is a huge joke now. The only good movie he's made in the last ten years (at least!) is The Bad Lieutenant and that's more because of Werner Herzog than him. He is just so over the top, even when he's being the obligatory "sinister killer of few words." He plays the same character over and over and it has become increasingly difficult to even watch him on screen.

Needless to say, Drive Angry is a terrible movie in every way, shape and form. It was a waste of an hour and a half and I wouldn't even recommend it to my worst enemy.

Grade: F

In The Land of Women and Disturbia

In The Land of Women - As someone who worships Lawrence Kasdan and thinks The Big Chill is one of the greatest movies ever made (and that has little to do with my slightly creepy William Hurt obsession), I was actually excited to see anything directed by his son Jon Kasdan. But this movie only shows that the younger Kasdan has promise. It's a sometimes funny/sometimes touching film that is mostly boring and prodding, but there are moments of potential greatness so it's not a total waste of time. Adam Brody, who is undeniably charming and resembles a young Tom Hanks although much cuter, plays Carter Webb a 26 year-old soft core porn writer from Los Angeles who takes off to suburban Michigan to take care of his dying grandmother (a hilarious and well used Olympia Dukakis) after getting his heartbroken by a movie starlet named Sophia (Elena Anaya) in the ho-hum opening scene. Anyway, while in the suburbs, Carter meets Sarah (Meg Ryan) and her two daughters, inarticulate, put-upon teenager Lucy (Kristen Stewart) and precocious Paige (Makenzie Vega). This is the "land of women" in question. They all take a sort of liking to Carter as he tries to escape his broken heart and write a novel about high school life. Brody is inherently charming and does a fine job with his role. Meg Ryan is playing every role she's ever played before in her life. She's no longer the girl-next-door... now she's the mom-next-door. Still, there are times when she is very touching in her sweet role. I can't really say anything constructive about Stewart other than she annoys me and I don't entirely know why. Comparisons to The Graduate are laughable, at best. A few autumn walks with a dog and a sweet kiss do not a sexual coming of age story make. A fumbling plot and a clumsy hero pale in comparison in the light of Mike Nichol's seminal, razor-sharp Graduate. Brody is charming, sure, but he's not Dustin Hoffman. Ryan is sweet, sure, but she's no Anne Bancroft. Like I said, there are a few promising moments but they are only moments of possibility, not achievement. In The Land of Women is not a terrible movie - it's just not a great one either.

Grade: C

Disturbia - I promise not to mention my love for Shia LaBeouf after this moment (he's so gorgeous). Ok, I'm done. Promise. Disturbia is unique as it blends together elements of the teen comedy, romance, drama and thriller genres. It's got a little Hitchcock thing going on (as it should since it largely rips off - I mean pays homage to - Rear Window). The film is gripping and suspenseful in an entertaining way and it's a pleasant surprise. Not to say the film is perfect, as it definitely isn't (what with all those boom mike mess ups!), but it accomplishes what it sets out to do and is actually entertaining. Not so bad. LaBeouf plays Kale a seemingly nice kid who takes a turn to violence after tragedy befalls his father. After punching his Spanish teacher during class, he gets place on house arrest for the summer. For the first few days, he has a good time - playing video games, watching soft core porn, downloading everything imaginable on I-Tunes. Then his mother (Carrie Anne Moss) starts to take his video games and television and I-Tunes away. So, he's forced to do something a little more creative with his time - spy on the neighbors! The neighbor across the street is having an affair with his maid. The kids next door watch porn in their rooms without their mothers knowing. A really hot girl (Sarah Roemer) does yoga and swims during the day. But, another neighbor (the wonderful David Morse) just might be a serial killer. So Kale becomes very invested in his day to day activities and soon his friend Ronnie (Aaron Yoo) and hot girl Ashley join in the fun. It's generally difficult to create suspense under the restrictions of a PG-13 rating, but instead of shocks, the film conveys a level of paranoia instead. There is a lot that makes Disturbia unique but at heart it's a very commercial film. The twists are obvoius, the secondary characters are underdeveloped, etc. However, it's fast paced, it's fun, it's funny and Shia LaBeouf is hot (sorry). For what it is, it's an undeniably entertaining film.

Grade: B