Prometheus

Prometheus has been shrouded in a cloak of mystery (is it a prequel to Alien??) and has been so hyped that it was almost impossible to not be disappointed. With one of the hottest casts in recent memory (like, seriously, you guys - HOT), a crazy smart script co-penned by Lost scribe Damon Lindelof, direction by the sci fi master himself, Ridley Scott, and expectations that were so high you can barely reach them - how is it possible that Prometheus can be anything but awesome.

Well, for starters, the whole plot is just a little fuzzy. We start out with a prologue that makes little to no sense at all. Then we move forward and meet a scientist couple (Noomi Rapace and Logan Marshall-Green) who make a discovery that seems so miniscule that it's hard to believe anyone would give them millions, no, billions of dollars to travel into space just to try to prove their thesis. But that's exactly what a recently deceased billionaire (played by Guy Pearce - and the fact that they hired a 40-something actor just to put him in tons of make up and make him look like an old man is beyond me... why not just hire an old man actor??) does. So, Elizabeth (Rapace) and Charlie (Marshall-Green) wake up on a space ship that also includes a slimy executive type (Charlize Theron), the ridiculously sexy captain of the ship (Idris Elba) and a droll, mysterious drone (Michael Fassbender). [Do you see what I mean about this being the hottest cast of all time???] They arrive on a mysterious planet and begin to explore a mysterous cave and lots of mysterious stuff starts to happen. Some of it is intense and scary and genuinely enjoyable and some of it is cliched and redundant.

Yes, it is scary and creepy and intense to watch two random crew members get lost inside said cavern only to be attacked by a creepy, crawler. But, later, when a supposedly dead crew member comes back to life, it's just a little too horror / sci fi movie cliche for me. And, without giving too much away, probably the best scene of all features Noomi Rapace's character and a self inflicted surgical procedure. If you aren't left squirming while thinking about how this is the most bad ass female character in a film since, well, Ripley, then I don't know if you should be allowed to see movies anymore.

Speaking of Rapace, she is phenomenal. If anyone should be unfairly critiqued against Sigourney Weaver's iconic performance as Ripley, then it's good that it's the original girl with the dragon tattoo. Rapace is a total and complete bad ass. She is utterly convincable and a force to be reckoned with. However, there are good performances all around, with the other notable stand outs being Theron (who is playing at least her third mean girl / bad character in a row) who is a total ice queen and looks like she is having the time of her life and Fassbender who is hilarious and somewhat menacing as android David. The performances from this stellar cast help make the movie better, of course. I'm not saying Prometheus isn't a good movie already, because it is. Sure, it probably doesn't live up to the super high expectations (but what does these days... maybe I should dial the expectations down for The Dark Knight Rises), but Prometheus is still smart and fun. It's an utter joy ride of thrills and intense action sequences. Scott proves that he's still got it, with the dark and foreboding direction. My main problem is the script. When it's good, then it's oh so good, but the problem with it is that it's probably too muddled. I know, that sounds crazy since it's coming from one of the guys that used to write for Lost. Still, I think the problem is that the script mistakes being smart and sophisticated for being confusing. That's not to say it isn't a smart movie, because it totally is. It's just that I don't think it's quite as smart as it thinks it is. So, while Prometheus isn't quite the amazing experience I was hoping for, it's still an experience that ends up being well acted and well directed, and a hell of a lot of fun. In the swell of the brainless summer movie season, who can really ask for more than that??

Grade: B

The Devil Inside (DVD)

If there is only one thing you learn from The Devil Inside, let it be this: apparently becoming possessed by a demon is easier than catching the common cold. With the common cold, it takes a day or two for the symptoms to show up at all. But, not so with possession by demons. Apparently, you just have to be in the same room / car as a possessed person for like, three and a half minutes, and BOOM! Possessed. Who knew it was that simple?

So, The Devil Inside is a bland and assanine study in horror movies, namely exorcism flicks. It sets itself up as a documentary because, thanks to Paranormal Activity, those are oh so hip again. So, in the late 80s, this woman Maria Rossi kills three clergy people in her home and is committed to a mental hospital and eventually transfered to a ward in Rome. In 2009, her daughter, now 25ish, finds out from her father that her mom killed those people during her own exorcism. So, Isabella flies to Rome to meet her mom, sits in on a few classes at Exorcist University (I wonder what their mascot is??), meets a few shady priests and eventually takes part in an unauthorized exorcism with these virtual strangers.

While I won't go so far as to say this was the worst movie I've ever seen, it is definitely the worst this year and even in the recent few years. I had an inkling it was going to be bad (but, hey, I need movies for my end of the year worst of list!), so my expectations were extremely low. This movie could very well have had me saying, "Hmm.. not as bad as I was thinking." But, no, it was much worse. I seriously don't even know how this movie made it into theaters. At best, this should have been a straight to DVD release. There's just nothing about this movie which is good. The acting is poor. The script is poor. The direction, if you can even call it that, is poor. This movie wants to be original and shocking but it's the exact opposite. It just seems no one will ever be able to make an good exorcism movie again (even though I didn't hate The Last Exorcism... there was something there even though the movie wasn't executed well enough for it to matter). There are so many cliches it's not even funny. Plus, as horror movies go, it just wasn't scary.

But what do I know?? The people who made this movie don't give a shit that it was so bad. They somehow managed to make a crap load of money because this movie ended up being semi-successful. So, I'm sitting here griping about one of the worst movies I've ever seen while they are drinking champagne and flying on their jets to private islands.

Grade: F

Snow White and the Huntsman

Here are a few quick facts about Snow White and the Huntsman: At times, it is visually stunning. At times, it is utterly ridiculous. It has absolutely no idea what kind of movie it wants to be. It suffers from miscasting, but is ultimately saved from being a bad movie by one very, very, very, good performance.

So, yes, Snow White and the Huntsman is mostly great to look at. From the dark and dangerous castle, to Queen Ravenna's amazing and beautiful clothes, to the scary Dark Forest, to the beautiful and enchanting Sanctuary, the scenery and the wardrobe and great. There's nothing lacking from the movie visually, that's for sure. And, this, sometimes makes up for a pretty lackluster script. I mean, we all know the story of Snow White and this take reimagines it slightly. Queen Ravenna (Charlize Theron - more about her later) kills a sweet King and entraps his pretty daughter, Snow White (played by Kristen Stewart as a teenager (I guess??)) in a tower. Ravenna wants to be the fairest of them all and she is for many years, until Snow White comes to age and outshines her. She then escapes the tower and disappears into the Dark Forest. If Ravenna can eat her heart, she will have immortality and beauty forever. She hires a huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) to track her and bring her back alive. Of course, there are also 7 dwarves. There's also a bit of ridiculousness thrown in there. The whole enchanted fairy land of sanctuary is beautiful to look at... but it's also pretty stupid. There's fairies and giant white deer and trolls and some of it is just a little too fairy tale for me. I mean, if it wants to be a fairy tale, fine. But that's another problem. Snow White and the Huntsman has absolutely not idea what kind of movie it wants to be. Does it want to be a fairy tale? Does it want to have a romance element? Does it want to be dark and gothic? Does it want to be a medeival Game of Thrones type battle film? I think the writers just threw everything against the wall to see what would stick. There is really no cohesiveness to the final script. There are a lot of ideas, and some of them are good, but none of them are fleshed out enough to completely work.

Then there is my own little pet peeve. The love triangle. Ugh. I hate love triangles in movies so much I can barely put into words just how much I hate them. In my nearly thirty years of life, I have never had even one single man tell me he loves me, so I find it utterly IMPLAUSIBLE that every single time Kristen Stewart is in a movie, she has multiple men professing their love and fighting over her. It's ridiculous. It's unncessary. It's not realistic (at least not in my life). And believe me, I know I'm arguing about things being realistic in a movie that had dwarves and trolls, but that's just how badly I hate love triangles. Even if they involve the steely, handsome, charming and dangerous Chris Hemsworth. I just don't like them. I wish movies would do away with them altogether. And beleive me, I wish I had Channing Tatum and Scott Speedman or, better yet, Tom Hardy and Chris Pine, fighting over me but that's not going to happen. Having one man love you is good enough in the real world. And I will admit that this was a very minor part of the story, luckily, but the fact that it was still there angered me deeply.

Whoever cast this movie cared more about getting butts in the seats than anything else (it worked - the movie was number 1 at the box office this weekend). I dare you to find me anyone who is not a Twihard who actually thinks that Kirsten Stewart is "fairer" than Charlize Theron. In fact, there are very, very few women out there who are hotter than Charlize. Kristen Stewart is for sure not one of them. Stewart's acting also leaves so much to be desired. She only has one expression and it's scared/wounded. Surely, she's not the right girl to lead a revolution. Stewart tried her best and it may work for movies like this and Twilight, aimed at a certain demographic. But if she wants to succeed and be respected by a wider audience and do better, more adult oriented films, then she is going to have to bring it, significantly. Then again, just about anyone would wither in comparison to Charlize Theron in this role. She is magnetic, deliciously over the top, fantastically evil. Her Queen Ravenna is so, so good. It's probably the single best performance of this year, so far. Theron, who is so breathtakingly beautiful, plays such a great evil character, that it's mesmerizing to watch. Her amazing performance is so much fun, so layered, so delightful, that it almost makes this whole movie worth caring about. Almost.

Grade: C-