Worst Films of 2013

Instead of a Friday Top Five, how about a top ten? As in, the ten worst films I've seen this year.

10. Spring Breakers - This has been popping up on people's Best of the Year lists, and I have to admit that I don't understand why. Sure, I get it. Hot girls in bikinis, video game violence, absurdest humor, James Franco playing a rapper / singing Britney Spears songs. It sounds like it should be some sort of cult masterpiece. However, in my opinion, it just tries way too hard. These Disney girls (Vanessa Hudgens, Selena Gomez) are trying to convince us that they are breaking from their good girl images, trying to be bad girls. But they are so obviously just pretending and absolutely nothing that happens in this movie is realistic in any remote way.

09. Kick Ass 2 - Where the original Kick Ass did everything right, this unnecessary sequel does everything wrong. The first film was memorable because it was charming and witty and fun, three things that this sequel most certainly is not. Hit Girl isn't really effective anymore. Sure, she was adorable as a potty mouthed little kid kicking ass. Now she's just another angst-filled teenage girl. It's simply an embarrassment to the first film. It's better to pretend it never happened at all.

08. Gangster Squad - Here's the only way I can explain how this movie got this crazy gifted cast: Sean Penn reads the first few pages of the script where he sees he's going to play an old school bad ass gangster and agrees. Then Josh Brolin thinks, "Well, if Sean Penn is going it." And Ryan Gosling thinks, "If Sean Penn and Josh Brolin are doing it." And Emma Stone thinks, "Well, if Sean..." You get my drift. I couldn't possibly imagine how a movie with such a stellar cast could be so bad, but somehow it is. Somehow it's so much worse than you can even imagine.

07. Man of Steel - I just about hated everything about this movie (save for Amy Adams), which doesn't even matter because it made all of the money. It's just that there are no characters that you care about. There's no humanity. This movie doesn't even have a sense of humor. One character cracks one joke at the end of the film and it feels so out of place that it's eye-roll inducing. If the great Michael Shannon can't even save things as an over the top super villain, then what chance do we really have?

06. Only God Forgives - The most disappointing movie of the year, in the sense that it sure as hell looks the nicest. It's got great cinematography and a great style. Too bad the movie consists mostly of people sitting in chairs, looking moody and Kristen Scott Thomas having absolutely horrid dinner conversation with his son's hooker girlfriend. Everyone keeps saying how great of a year 2013 was for movies. And I totally disagree. When Ryan Gosling is in two of the ten worst, you know you've got a problem.

05. Mama - Honestly, this was one of the first movies I saw this year, and I am finding it really hard to remember much about it at this point. I do remember that I hated every second of it. That I wondered why Jessica Chastain (who has made flawless acting decisions since breaking out) would even get herself caught up in this mess. And I also remember that the end was so ridiculous that I almost walked out of the theater.

04. Movie 43 - I'm assuming this movie was made for people with the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy because they are the only people I can think of who would find these jokes funny. Yes, menstruation is HILARIOUS. Somehow, the makers of this film (a collection of short films, each grosser than the one before it) managed to get the likes of Kate Winslet, Halle Berry, Emma Stone, Greg Kinnear, Dennis Quad, Hugh Jackman, etc. to sign up for this movie. It's all a great big waste of talent and time.

03. The Last Exorcism Part II - I actually really liked the first one, which was clever and interesting. The sequel is just a paint by number horror movie that is silly and not scary. I like to pretend it never happened, so we'll just move on, okay?

02. Magic, Magic - I rented this for Juno Temple, who I adore. I think she is a super talented actress and I'm always excited when I find out she is starring in a movie. It also features Michael Cera (who gives the single most terrible performance of the entire year) and Emily Browning. It's supposed to be about some sort of mystical and ancient discoveries. It's really just a bunch of young actors sitting around and talking about nonsense, and acting weird for two hours. I kept waiting for something to happen. Nothing ever does.

01. The Lords of Salem - Aren't directors supposed to get better with time? Because Rob Zombie is getting worse with every movie he makes. There was a time (back in his House of 1000 Corpses / The Devil's Rejects) days when I trusted him to make great horror movies. Then he churned out two horrible Halloween remakes. Then he made this, which is, honestly, the worst movie I have ever seen in my ENTIRE LIFE. And I've seen a lot of movies. It stars Sherri Moon (surprise!) and it takes place in Salem, Mass. You're thinking witch trials, right? You're thinking Sherri Moon traipsing around in a sexy witch outfit casting spells on people? That would have been way better than what the movie actually is which is a trippy, Rosemary's Baby wannabe movie about a heavy metal band who turn the women of Salem into zombie-esque killers. Or something. Just know that it's bad. Real, real bad.