Worst Films of 2013

Instead of a Friday Top Five, how about a top ten? As in, the ten worst films I've seen this year.

10. Spring Breakers - This has been popping up on people's Best of the Year lists, and I have to admit that I don't understand why. Sure, I get it. Hot girls in bikinis, video game violence, absurdest humor, James Franco playing a rapper / singing Britney Spears songs. It sounds like it should be some sort of cult masterpiece. However, in my opinion, it just tries way too hard. These Disney girls (Vanessa Hudgens, Selena Gomez) are trying to convince us that they are breaking from their good girl images, trying to be bad girls. But they are so obviously just pretending and absolutely nothing that happens in this movie is realistic in any remote way.

09. Kick Ass 2 - Where the original Kick Ass did everything right, this unnecessary sequel does everything wrong. The first film was memorable because it was charming and witty and fun, three things that this sequel most certainly is not. Hit Girl isn't really effective anymore. Sure, she was adorable as a potty mouthed little kid kicking ass. Now she's just another angst-filled teenage girl. It's simply an embarrassment to the first film. It's better to pretend it never happened at all.

08. Gangster Squad - Here's the only way I can explain how this movie got this crazy gifted cast: Sean Penn reads the first few pages of the script where he sees he's going to play an old school bad ass gangster and agrees. Then Josh Brolin thinks, "Well, if Sean Penn is going it." And Ryan Gosling thinks, "If Sean Penn and Josh Brolin are doing it." And Emma Stone thinks, "Well, if Sean..." You get my drift. I couldn't possibly imagine how a movie with such a stellar cast could be so bad, but somehow it is. Somehow it's so much worse than you can even imagine.

07. Man of Steel - I just about hated everything about this movie (save for Amy Adams), which doesn't even matter because it made all of the money. It's just that there are no characters that you care about. There's no humanity. This movie doesn't even have a sense of humor. One character cracks one joke at the end of the film and it feels so out of place that it's eye-roll inducing. If the great Michael Shannon can't even save things as an over the top super villain, then what chance do we really have?

06. Only God Forgives - The most disappointing movie of the year, in the sense that it sure as hell looks the nicest. It's got great cinematography and a great style. Too bad the movie consists mostly of people sitting in chairs, looking moody and Kristen Scott Thomas having absolutely horrid dinner conversation with his son's hooker girlfriend. Everyone keeps saying how great of a year 2013 was for movies. And I totally disagree. When Ryan Gosling is in two of the ten worst, you know you've got a problem.

05. Mama - Honestly, this was one of the first movies I saw this year, and I am finding it really hard to remember much about it at this point. I do remember that I hated every second of it. That I wondered why Jessica Chastain (who has made flawless acting decisions since breaking out) would even get herself caught up in this mess. And I also remember that the end was so ridiculous that I almost walked out of the theater.

04. Movie 43 - I'm assuming this movie was made for people with the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy because they are the only people I can think of who would find these jokes funny. Yes, menstruation is HILARIOUS. Somehow, the makers of this film (a collection of short films, each grosser than the one before it) managed to get the likes of Kate Winslet, Halle Berry, Emma Stone, Greg Kinnear, Dennis Quad, Hugh Jackman, etc. to sign up for this movie. It's all a great big waste of talent and time.

03. The Last Exorcism Part II - I actually really liked the first one, which was clever and interesting. The sequel is just a paint by number horror movie that is silly and not scary. I like to pretend it never happened, so we'll just move on, okay?

02. Magic, Magic - I rented this for Juno Temple, who I adore. I think she is a super talented actress and I'm always excited when I find out she is starring in a movie. It also features Michael Cera (who gives the single most terrible performance of the entire year) and Emily Browning. It's supposed to be about some sort of mystical and ancient discoveries. It's really just a bunch of young actors sitting around and talking about nonsense, and acting weird for two hours. I kept waiting for something to happen. Nothing ever does.

01. The Lords of Salem - Aren't directors supposed to get better with time? Because Rob Zombie is getting worse with every movie he makes. There was a time (back in his House of 1000 Corpses / The Devil's Rejects) days when I trusted him to make great horror movies. Then he churned out two horrible Halloween remakes. Then he made this, which is, honestly, the worst movie I have ever seen in my ENTIRE LIFE. And I've seen a lot of movies. It stars Sherri Moon (surprise!) and it takes place in Salem, Mass. You're thinking witch trials, right? You're thinking Sherri Moon traipsing around in a sexy witch outfit casting spells on people? That would have been way better than what the movie actually is which is a trippy, Rosemary's Baby wannabe movie about a heavy metal band who turn the women of Salem into zombie-esque killers. Or something. Just know that it's bad. Real, real bad.

DVD Mini Reviews

During the year, I like to try to watch as many movies released during that year as possible. I won't go pay to see a bad movie in theaters but I have no qualms about watching bad movies via Netflix. This is so I can make my best possible best and worst lists at the end of the year, making sure I see as many options as possible. The movies I've been watching lately from Netflix from this year were sort of on the disappointing side for the most part.

Mud
Stars: Matthew McConaughey, Tye Sheridan, Reese Witherspoon, Michael Shannon (!!)
Plot: Two young boys set out to find an island where a boat has been washed into a tree. They also happen to find a mysterious man named Mud and they become entangled in his personal life. Drama and danger ensue.
Thoughts: This was the only good movie I've seen via Netflix in the last few weeks. It's a pretty simple story, but the script is so well written and all the performances are out of this world, that it just elevates the material. Tye Sheridan is a great find, a young actor who can completely command attention from more famous co-stars. And McConaughey?!? Man, he is on a role. His career is so hot right now that I am always anticipating new work from him which is something I never, ever thought I would think. But, seriously, how many award worthy performances can he give in a row???
Grade: B+

Dead Man Down
Stars: Colin Farrell, Noomi Rapace, Terrence Howard
Plot: A lonely disfigured woman witnesses the man across the street kill another man in his apartment and decides to blackmail him into murdering the man who disfigured her.
Thoughts: The best part of this movie was when it was over. I think I may have fallen asleep at one point, but it really didn't matter because you can see the "plot twists" coming a mile away. I love Farrell and Rapace and think they did a great job with the material, but this movie ultimately fails to deliver but succeeds at boring you into submission.
Grade: D+

A Good Day to Die Hard
Stars: Bruce Willis, Jai Courtney
Plot: John McClane heads to Russia, where his wayward son is in trouble with the law. Or is he?? Turns out his hottie son is working for the CIA and the two sexy bald McClane men team up to fight Russian bad guys. Smashing through ceilings, gun fights and helicopter chases ensue.
Thoughts: Obviously not as good as the original Die Hard. Or Die Hard 2. Or even Live Free or Die Hard from a few years ago. It's basically Die Hard paint by numbers and if you like action and sexy bald men, then it's not a terrible way to spend an hour and a half. This would have gotten a higher grade had Jai Courtney been shirtless for more than ten seconds. (What?? I'm totally a girl sometimes.)
Grade: C

Magic Magic
Stars: Juno Temple, Emily Browning, Michael Cera
Plot: A bunch of college friends go to a secluded farm to drink and hang out. One of their cousin's tags along. She goes cray.
Thoughts: Allow me to justify why I got this movie from the Red Box to begin with: I had a coupon, okay?? It was for a free movie and it expired that particular day. Neither my boyfriend nor I had ever heard of this movie. I have a pretty major girl crush on Juno Temple and he has a thing for Emily Browning. Plus, Michael Cera is awesome, so we decided to go for it. BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER. This is, quite possibly, one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my entire life. I don't even know why we watched the whole thing instead of just turning it off and calling it a day. Still, it's better than Lords of Salem, so that's a plus, I guess.
Grade: F

The Host
Stars: Saoirse Ronan, Max Irons, Jake Abel, Diane Kruger, William Hurt
Plot: Aliens begin taking over the bodies of humans, erasing their memories, and living a peaceful existence. One young woman fights back against the force to hold onto her love and protect her brother.
Thoughts: Positives first - William Hurt is awesome in this movie. Also, I'll never complain about a movie featuring not one (Irons) but TWO (Abel) cute boys. But, mostly, this movie is ridiculous. There are no high stakes. There is no drama, really, except for a minute here and a minute there. Plus, this movie features the absolute strangest love triangle I have ever seen.
Grade: D+

Welcome to the Punch
Stars: James McAvoy, Mark Strong, David Morrissey
Plot: It's your basic cops and bad guy movie complete with dirty cops and complicated plot lines that don't entirely make sense until the end.
Thoughts: Like I said, pretty basic. There is nothing bad about this movie, but there isn't really much to say about it that's good either. This movie is basically entirely carried by the charms and charisma of McAvoy, so if you like McAvoy like I do, then you probably won't mind watching a mediocre movie.
Grade: C+


And finally, the movie COMPLIANCE was released last year instead of this year, but I finally got around to watching it and I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's the true story of a man who poses as a police officer and calls fast food restaurants to see how far he can push managers in taking advantage of employees. For example, he tells the manager of Chickwich that one of her employees is a thief which leads to a strip search and so much more. This is an entirely true story and according to Wikipedia, happened at least 70 times around the country. I can't really believe one group of people were stupid enough to fall for this hoax, let alone 70! It's a pretty uncomfortable movie to watch but i also find it highly effective. It's as tense as a movie that takes almost entirely in one small room can be. So, anyway, I'm still not sure what to make of it so if anyone watches it, I'm really interested to hear another take on it.

Killer Joe

Every once in a while, a movie comes along and you just don't know what to make of it. For me, that movie is Killer Joe. I saw it last night and when I left the theater, I couldn't decide if I liked it or not. Parts of it were so, so very good while others (especially the last 20 minutes or so) were over-the-top ridiculous. I slept on it and I'm still thinking about it this morning (which I guess is a good thing??) but I still haven't made up my mind.

Killer Joe begins with Chris (Emile Hirsch), a two-bit drug dealer and general screw-up who decides the best way to pay off his $6,000 debt to his suppliers is by killing his deadbeat, junkie mom and using her $50,000 life insurance policy as the pay off. The beneficiary is his dimwitted little sister, Dottie (Juno Temple) so he decides to get his trailer park trash dad (Thomas Hayden Church) and his new wife (Gina Gershon) involved. They decide the best and easiest way to go about murder is to hire Killer Joe (Matthew McConaughey), a Dallas detective who moonlights as a hitman. Of course, double crossing and, since this is based on a play from Tracy Letts (Bug, August: Osage County), general third act CRAZINESS (yes, it requires all capital letters) ensues.

Killer Joe is rated NC17, I'm assuming because there is an awful lot of nudity (mostly female, although if you didn't get your fill of McConaughey's backside in Magic Mike then you're in luck!) and even more random and extreme violence. That stuff doesn't bother me. It just seemed sort of out of place. I generally don't like to compare movies but there is a fine line that movies like this and Bug (which sports the same writer and director) walk between acceptable human drama and over-the-top crazy ridiculousness. I think Bug was a far more successful movie at walking that line. The really out there stuff that happens in the third act of Bug seems organic, growing from a natural place. Killer Joe, which has hints of this craziness throughout, just sort of randomly becomes too much at a certain point in the third act. It didn't feel natural at all and it also didn't necessarily serve the plot. Letts is a fantastic writer and of the three things I've seen by him (movie versions of Bug and Killer Joe and August: Osage County on Broadway), I've loved his ability to write characters and dialogue. I also love his gutsiness and the way his work always just GO FOR IT. Something about Killer Joe, the movie, which was also a play, just didn't jive for me.

It wasn't the fault of the cast, that's for sure. The thing that worked most about this movie, in fact, was Juno Temple's crazy adorable performance of Dottie with all her wide eyed innocence and sexual discovery. Temple has been the next big thing for a while now but lacked a big break out role. This performance can surely do it for her. The question is, will people see it and appreciate it? It's not the kind of movie that the average person on the street is going to enjoy, but I'm still hoping this movie benefits Temple's career in a big way. McConaughey is great as well. He's having a banner year and you can argue that this or Magic Mike (or both) are his career best performances. Emile Hirsch is great as well, and it's nice to see him back on the screen in a starring role. Church and Gershon are fine, although not stand outs.

Like I said, there are some fine moments in this movie. Just about every time Juno Temple is on screen, whether she is doing karate or twirling in the street, it's almost impossible to take your eyes off her. There was a particularly well shot scene involving Hirsch being chased by some goons. In fact, the whole movie is well shot and well directed and well acted. It's just that pesky third act that almost ruins the whole damn thing. I don't want to give anything away but believe me when I tell you, it's CRAZY.

Grade: C??? (I really can't decide)