Worst Films 2019

Back from my year long exile to post my best and worst of the year. I'll be updating from now until the end of the year with my best lists, but first let's get the worst of the year out of the way.

05. Dark Phoenix - Arguably the best story line in an X-Men comic, Dark Phoenix should have been the crowning achievement in a dying franchise. Following the catastrophic fall to the dark side for one time hero Jean Grey, and featuring returning series MVP's Michael Fassbender and James McAvoy, the movie version somehow falls terribly short. Newcomer Jessica Chastain does her best to elevate this mess, but ultimately the movie suffers from a convoluted plot line, messy action sequences, and a number of actors phoning it in (not mentioning any names **cough cough** Jennifer Lawrence). But the biggest mistake of all comes with the casting of young Jean Grey. I've only seen Sophie Turner on Game of Thrones and was holding out criticism of her acting (because Game of Thrones isn't really known for it's writing or acting), but it's possible she may be the least interesting, more boring actor alive. Someone with a little more intensity, or star power, could have helped make this movie at least watchable. Turner isn't that actor.

04. Serenity - SPOILER ALERT - See if you can keep up with me and this plot overview - Matthew McConaughey is a fisherman obsessed with capturing a large tuna. His ex-wife (a completely over the top Anne Hathaway) returns to entice him into killing her abusive new husband (Jason Clarke, who I somehow love even in this mess, even as a terrible person). Also, a creepy Kendall Roy is following him around and walking into the ocean in his suit. And Diane Lane is there, being needy and seductive. The big twist?? This is all a video game being played by an abused little boy. I know, I know. It's all as bizarre and ridiculous as it sounds.

03. Isn't it Romantic - No, no, it is not.

02. Cold Pursuit - Remember when Liam Neeson starred as a bad ass with a particular skill set who traversed the globe to avenge the kidnapping of his daughter? It was a high octane, thrilling, action movie that revitalized his career and was carried along by his movie star charisma and a relatively simple, but appealing plot. Well, this is about a snow plow driver who has to avenge the death of his junkie son and it lacks any of the charm, likability or thrills of the eerily similar Taken. Skip this. Watch Taken again.

01. Under the Silver Lake - This movie contains the following: a dog murderer, a pop band called Jesus and the Brides of Dracula, an underground comic book artist, characters called the "Owl Woman" and the "Homeless King", wealthy men faking their death and "ascending" to live in bunkers with three wives, and a talking squirrel. If any of this sounds appealing to you, then be my guest. I thought it was going to be pleasantly weird and wonderful as well. Turns out, it's just a mess.

Friday Top Five: Superhero Movies

Subtitled: I Love Batman!

So I have decided to start a series called Friday Top Five, which is pretty self explanatory. (Nearly) Every Friday, I will present my definitive top five list about whatever topic I want. This week, in honor of Man of Steel, I will count down my Top Five Superhero Movies. So, without further ado:

5. Sky High (Mike Mitchell, 2005)
I know, I know. Sky High is a movie I accidentally saw in theaters and genuinely loved. Sure, it's a Disney movie. But it's also really good, has a great story, a lot of heart, and cameos from the likes of Wonder Woman herself, Lynda Carter. The movie follows Micheal Angarano as Will Stronghold, the son of superheroes Kurt Russell and Kelly Preston. The problem? He doesn't have any powers. So, he struggles to fit in when he starts superhero high school (as if high school isn't hard enough!). However, he does form a bond with a few other misfits (Danielle Panabaker as the girl who can control plant life??) and eventually these misfits have to fight it out with the villains in the epic showdown. Sky High is definitely everything you want in a superhero movie and then some. In fact, just writing about it makes me want to go watch it again!

4. Batman Begins (Christopher Nolan, 2005)
It seems 2005 was quite a year for superheroes. The same year Sky High was released, Nolan re-introduced the world to Bruce Wayne. Before 2005's comeback, Batman had sort of become a joke thanks to that awful Batman and Robin movie. But Nolan brought us back to the beginning and he made Gotham and Bruce Wayne more dangerous and darker. We found out that Bruce (Christian Bale) learned everything he knew from a mysterious figure named Ducard (Liam Neeson) and after disappearing from Gotham for years, he returned to kick ass and take names. Those getting their asses kicked included Cillian Murphey's Scarecrow and, of course, Neeson. Throw in Gary Oldman as Jim Gordon, Michael Caine as Alfred and Morgan Freeman as Lucius Fox, and you've got the beginning of a very special trilogy.

3. Spider-Man 2 (Sam Raimi, 2004)
When talking about sequels, there is one of two ways it can go: 1. It can suck and be awful and be bogged down by way too much - too many villains, too many sidekicks, etc. 2. Or it can rise above the original because you, the story teller, are no longer bogged down with origin stories and introductions. Spider-Man 2 falls into the latter category. The first Spider-Man was great fun, and featured that awesome kiss, but Spider-Man 2 is Raimi's crowning achievement. It features Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) ready to give it all up. He devoted his life to fighting crime and, instead, he's painted as a villain, the girl he loves (Kirsten Dunst) is engaged to someone else and he's just fed up. But then Alfred Molina shows up as a crazy scientist, and when an experiment goes wrong, as experiments often do, he is transformed into an angry villain named Doc Ock. Peter Parker may be the most sympathetic superhero. We all relate to him because before he got bit by a spider (!!), he was a regular dude, just like us.

2. Batman (Tim Burton, 1989)
One of my very first memories is going to see the original Batman in movie theaters. I will not say how old I was, but I remember going to see it with my older brother and his friend. I remember being completely enthralled by what was before me and that was probably the beginning of my life long love affair with movies, and also with Batman. To this day, I still think Michael Keaton is the best overall Bruce Wayne / Batman. George Clooney was good as Wayne and Kilmer was good as Batman. Bale is up there, but his Batman voice is still sort of infuriating. But it's Keaton who does both charming womanizer Wayne and heroic Batman so, so well. This was also my introduction to Jack Nicholson as Joker. He quickly became one of my favorite actors and his Joker is still such a vibrant part of my memory.

1. The Dark Knight (Christopher Nolan, 2008)
Speaking of Joker... What Nicholson did in the 80s is a completely different animal than what Heath Ledger did with the same character in this film. Ledger was a feral animal, terrifying and unhinged. He was out of control, anarchy in human form, but still somehow likable. I always like to say that every superhero movie is only as good as its villain and that's perhaps why The Dark Knight is the best of the best. This is Nolan's crowning achievment as a film maker and I doubt he will ever surpass it. The Dark Knight is damn near perfect, pushing its hero to the brink, devastating him with a second act murder that we all felt at our core. Joker is a villain like we had never before seen. And guess what? If it wasn't for Heath Ledger and how amazing he was in this role, we would all talk a lot more about Aaron Eckhart's perfect portrayal of Harvey Dent and his descent from role model politician to angry, rageful Two Face. This movie genuinely has it all - great acting, quoteable lines, unforgettable imagery (just try to get that vision of Joker in the nurse's outfit, or sticking his head out the window like a dog), great action sequences and a perfect ending. I will truly be shocked if we get a better superhero movie in my lifetime.

How will Man of Steel rate? Check back Monday and find out!

The Grey

The Grey is not a good movie. It is, however, a decent movie. At least up until the ending in which the film gets completely and utterly destroyed. Any bit of goodwill the movie earned from me was completely wasted in those final moments. But more about that in a minute (and, yes, I will be spoiling the ending for you so SPOILER WARNING).

The Grey stars Liam Neeson in what has no become his go-to role: a better than it has to be late January/early February movie in which he proves himself to be a badass and saves people from dangerous people/things (see also: Taken, Unknown). In The Grey, he's a marksman stationed way up North, as North as you can probably go. His job is to kill wolves so they don't get into the drilling center and attack the other workers. It's dark and cold and all the while he has flashbacks to a sun drenched bed and his former lover. He is miserable now, contemplating suicide, so when it's time to go home, he is as excited as Liam Neeson in this kind of movie can be. But then, there is a terrible plane crash into a vast arctic nothingness complete with just lots and lots of snow (at least when the plane crashed on Lost, they got stranded on a hot, tropical, albeit creepy, island). The few survivors of the plane crash (including Dermot Mulroney!) team up to try to survive in the wilderness. Their goal is to build a fire and find food, make it through the first night and then head South hoping someone will save them sooner or later. But then the wolves strike. And apparently wolves are revenge driven animals because when the men fight back, it only makes them more and more angry and they begin to hunt them wherever they run. And so the movie is these men (their numbers dwindling - there were 7, then 6, then 5, then...) trying to outsmart and outrun a pack of wolves, struggling against the bitter cold and blizzards of mother nature.

And it's not so bad. I mean, sure it's way too quiet to be a thriller and has far too much blood and guts to be a thoughtful character piece. The Grey doesn't know what the hell kind of movie it wants to be. And to a certain extent, that's fine. The action, the philosophical discussions, the tender moving moments, Liam Neeson's fantastic performance - these all add up to a pretty decent movie. Not good, not by a long shot, but at least good enough so that it's worth watching. It keeps your interest and entertains you. And then... the end.

SPOILER ALERT!!! So, I was with this movie until the end. I really was. I was giving it the benefit of the doubt. I really was trying to like it. But then this happened... Remember that moment in the trailer? Of course you do, they only showed the trailer approximately 3 million times in the last month. The part where Liam Neeson is ready to face off with a giant scary wolf. He grabs some of those miniature bottles of liquor from planes and tapes them between his knuckles, smashing the ends into jagged pieces of glass. That's the part that made me want to see the movie. Liam Neeson in some sort of epic showdown with wolves in the wilderness? Hell yeah. Well, guess what? That's how it ends. With that single moment. There is no impending fight. There is no epic showdown. It ends and we are supposed to guess what happens. Well, there's a pack of wolves staring him down so there's really no guessing necessary. Now, for the record, I love ambiguous endings to movies. I love movies that leave you hanging. And I didn't feel it necessary to see Liam Neeson ripped to shreds. However, this was the single moment from the preview that probably made people excited for this movie. You've got to show us SOMETHING. Show us at least a minute of this epic showdown. At least a taste of the fight. Then cut to black. At least give the audience some satisfaction after we've successfully sat through a boring movie that was 20 minutes too long. But no, this rotten, terrible ending completely and totally destroys this movie. It's quite possibly the worst ending I've seen in recent memory. What a waste of time.

Grade: D